Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Power Rankings: Top 10 Jeers (Worst Movies of All Time)

---Recently, Zach told me that he had revamped his all time top 10 list, which got me thinking about doing the same. Mine is always fluctuating, so I came up with the idea of doing a series of power rankings of AFI categories (as well as some of my own) leading up to the unveiling of my all time list. These lists will include Cheers (inspiring), Peers (on-screen couples), Fears (scariest), Tears(emotional), Jeers (worst), Thrills, Laughs, and finally my top 10 films of all time. Note: My lists are not going to be even a fraction as objective as AFI’s lists. They are solely my personal preferences and experiences. Enjoy!---

Making a list of the worst movies I have seen is difficult. First, I have tried to erase these movies from my mind, so comparing them is interesting and somewhat random. There are two different kinds of horrible movies, as well. There are the ones that are trying to be bad and are, and there are the ones that have aspirations and fail miserably. This is going to be a mix of those two categories. It is also going to be filled with movies that many people may not have seen, because honestly, I have seen a ton of bad movies, some of which I am not too proud of.

Let’s see, I have only seen 3 films on IMDb’s Bottom 100, which are Ed (#83), Gigli (#86), and It’s Pat (#93). Will any of those make this list? Disaster Movie (#1), The Hottie & the Nottie (#3), and Birdemic: Shock and Terror (#7) highlight their bottom 10. Yeah, this is going to be fun…I hope. Check it out!


Others receiving votes: Antichrist (2009), Daredevil (2003), Malibu’s Most Wanted (2003), Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008), Say It Isn’t So (2001)

10. Street Fighter (Steven E. de Souza, 1994)
Well, is there really any reason to discuss this? We got Van Damme playing Guile in the middle of his…heyday, an incredibly over-the-top M. Bison by way of Raul Julia, and some of the stupidest dialogue in the history of movies. I think “Street Fighter EX Plus Alpha” had more story depth than this, the worst of all video game adaptations.
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 13%
9. Virginia (Dustin Lance Black, 2010)
After his beautiful, sentimental, Oscar-winning script Milk, Dustin Lance Black uses that clout to direct some of our best actors in one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is an aggressive, offensively bad movie that thinks it is being an edgy indie. Actually released in theaters in 2012, it came out the same year as a similar type of terrible movie The Paperboy, but at least there is a bit of glorified guilty pleasure in that mess. Virginia’s working title was “What’s Wrong with Virginia”. Basically everything, is my answer.
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 4%
8. It’s Pat (Adam Berstein, 1994)
Having not seen MacGruber, this clearly takes the place as the worst “SNL” spin-off of all time. It is a classic case of a movie having one joke and stretching it out through a feature length film. This is as bad and painful to watch as it gets. At least I know the word “zythum” now. Don’t ask me why I remember that. I wish I didn’t.
IMDb Rating: 2.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%
7. In & Out (Frank Oz, 1997)
I will never understand why this movie was actually well-received. It is another example of a one-joke movie and another case of it not working. At no point are any of its stereotypes or gags at all funny, and the actors phone it in like never before. I have liked some movies by Frank Oz, and I love all of the actors, but I feel ashamed by the fact that I own this on VHS. I should burn it. I guarantee I will have more fun doing that than I did watching this atrocious wannabe comedy.
IMDb Rating: 6.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 73%
6. Dirty Love (John Asher, 2005)
So, I know you are thinking, “Why did you see that?” I don’t even know. It is as disgusting and terrible as anything I have ever seen. I figured that at least Jenny McCarthy would be hot and topless in it, but nope. In fact, we are punished for even thinking that. The only scene that comes close, she is covered in vomit. I feel like the movie actually had good intentions, but no one should be subjected to watch this garbage. It should be used for torture, A Clockwork Orange-style.
IMDb Rating: 3.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 4%
5. Rocky V (John G. Avildsen, 1990)
So, the only really good movie of Rocky films is the first one, directed by Avildsen. The next three lesser ones were directed by Stallone, and then Avildsen returns for the worst sports movie ever. Interesting…more interesting than this movie probably. With Rocky V, the story had become so worn-down that any movie involving these characters would have been tiresome. I never would have expected this one to be this bad, this poorly-constructed, and potentially one of the worst acted movies ever. At least Stallone redeemed himself with the very good Rocky Balboa, so this doesn’t have to live as the worst final chapter in the history of any film series.
IMDb Rating: 4.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 27%
4. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (Wych Kaosayananda, 2002)
This is a case where an action movie was so action-packed, that it made it completely unwatchable. I actually basically fell asleep during this because all I was seeing on screen were explosions and gunfire. It was so constant that it was almost soothing. Watching this movie is like watching paint dry, only it winds up hurting our ears. It is about as terrible as it gets, and I have seen a ton of bad action movies. There is not even a decipherable plot here, just explosions and phoned-in performances, if you can even call them performances.
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%
3. The Doom Generation (Gregg Araki, 1995)
I realize that this movie has developed some sort of cult following, but I could not for the life of me tell you why. It is ultra-violent, heavy-handed, and absolutely brainless. It tried to be all Natural Born Killers in terms of its tone and visual style, but to even put it in the same sentence as that movie is a disgrace to a real movie. This is more like a talented director (see Mysterious Skin if you don’t agree) throwing as much trash at the screen at once and hoping people give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, we don’t.
IMDb Rating: 5.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 47%
2. Date Movie (Aaron Seltzer, 2006)
I was basically forced to watch this movie with friends, and I will never forgive them for that. This is the most unfunny comedy I have ever seen (I have stayed away from all these types of movies past Scary Movie 3 and will never touch Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, etc.). There were about two parts in this agonizingly long 83 minute movie where I thought about smiling at a gag, but I didn’t want to. I had to think about it, and upon further judgment, it was the right decision. I didn’t want to give the movie the pleasure of me approaching mild amusement. It doesn’t deserve even that.
IMDb Rating: 2.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 7%
1. The Libertine (Laurence Dunmore, 2004)
So, here is the worst movie experience in my life. This movie is absolutely unwatchable. The talented people involved cannot help but go over-the-top with every line, creating an atmosphere that I could not even focus on. There may have been some nice artistic elements, but we will never know because the movie is so dimly-lit that we can hardly see anything. The movie is as inept as any movie that has ever surfaced. It is slow, ugly, annoying, stupid, and forgettable (I wish, anyway). I have no desire to ever come close to this movie again, and nobody should be subjected to sit through it. Do not be fooled by a movie having Johnny Depp, John Malkovich, and Samantha Morton in a period drama. There are zero redeeming qualities here. ZERO!
IMDb Rating: 6.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 33%

At last, the carnage is over! What do you think? What are your most excruciating movies of all time? Let me know…so I can stay away from them.

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Coming up next: My Top 10 Movie Thrills! Stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. Great list, I agree with all those movies. Sailing Movie is a disgrace, just terrible movie. In your list I would like add some of my worst movie ever Daredevil, Spiderman, House if the dead, Glitter, these all movies are worst movies.

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